Drunk Chores, Vacuum Master

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Wines about Work

In the spirit of the end of the year I’ll tell this funny story about myself. One Saturday I was home alone — an unusual place to be, to say the least — because the wife was either at something with the kids or some rare work related task on a Saturday. I decided that I’d clean up to surprise her, because I am notoriously bad about not caring how clean anything is as long as it doesn’t stink (you don’t have to ask me to take out the garbage if there’s broccoli in it), and I knew she wouldn’t expect that. First, though, I had a wine I liked and decided to have a glass. Started cleaning up a bit, then had a second glass.

Before she got home I found myself vacuuming the kids room — something I never do — with my phone in my pocket, headphones on, music playing. In one hand I was holding the vacuum cleaner by the handle. In the other I had a wine bottle, having foregone the glass by this point because… well the bottle was faster. You have to picture what she came home to: me in the Eldest’s room with the vacuum, the house smelling like tea-tree oil because I spilled way too much when I mopped, wine bottle in one hand, vacuum in the other, jamming out to God knows what music as I did it.

Your humble host doesn’t often get drunk, and he even more rarely gets drunk and does any sort of physical activity. There is only one other story about that in my memory and during the course of that I spilled a beer and my dog got drunk, too. He won’t get near me if I have whiskey or Scotch, but he’ll knock beer over on purpose to drink it. Some people apparently drink beer before or during cutting their lawn. Aside from the dehydration aspect I cannot imagine a situation where I’d want to be controlling a lawn mower and even the slightest bit tipsy. Here’s a safety tip:

If you’re drunk you can’t operate anything heavier than a vacuum or with any blades on it.