GoT: Hold the Door

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What is Spoiled Can Never Spoil

Let’s just jump right in.

– The Urine Greyjoy story went about as predicted, and it’s good that Yara and Theon got out of dodge. By the way, until he shows more initiative than tossing an old guy off a rope bridge he is Urine Greyjoy.

– I just… can’t get into Dany’s story. She’s doing the same thing as before except now not dependent on Khal Drogo’s support. Next season she’ll start freeing slaves without the Unsullied I guess, then loop back to the start like a Pac-Man level.

– Kind of feels like the Arya story is stuck, too.

– The confrontation between Littlefinger and Sansa was easily the most uncomfortable moment of the season to that point. I think she should try and use him, and keep an eye on the fucker, because either Littlefinger made a huge blunder here or he has a really, really long con running on Sansa and the North.

– I hate the Red Woman that went to see Varys and Tyrion, and I am curious about what the thing said that Varys heard. I also don’t want Dany to be the one that was promised so I don’t want this woman to be right. I have a sneaking suspicion the Red Women are all playing folk toward their end game.

– The Jon/Sansa story seems to have slowed a bit. I thought they would at least talk to House Mormont by the end of this episode.

– FINALLY, the White Walkers. And the most gut-punching moment of the show this year. Wow. I had remarked to others I figured that Hodor had something to do with this episode being named “The Door” (my second guess was the Moon Door), but I never wanted to see that happen. Also, yuck at the idea of time travel and a paradox. In my head it’s just going to be that all that part was pre-determined well ahead of time so the actual actions of Bran and Meera were used to make Hodor like that. Because I hate time travel.

– Crickets from King’s Landing and Dorne.

– One gripe: The show is pretty clearly just doing nudity for the sake of it. It just feels really… pandery at this point. (Okay it felt that way in the first season.) I get it. Nudity. Now can we please swap those seconds out for more story development? The internet ruined nudity as a shocking thing in a television show.

(Of course, HBO managed to work female nudity into Oz, a show about a men’s prison.)

Now, my predictions and general thoughts:

– Dany is either evil or stupid, but her story is a rerun. Her being the one that was promised is not the sort of twist Game of Thrones or the books set us up for — which may be why it happens.

– Is there a reason cutting Jorah’s arm off wouldn’t protect him from the scale? It seems to just be on his damn arm, spreading like the world’s worst rash. Cutting limbs off even works in zombie movies. (At least, if the zombie is an infection and not magical event.)

– Benjen, Coldhands, or Dues Ex Magica is going to have to help Meera and Bran out and soon. There is no way a teenage girl and a crippled kid on a sled can run from the White Walkers for long. I wouldn’t want to put myself against them and I have a car.

– Dorne is going to show up in the next several episodes and ruin Cersei’s day.

– Cersei’s latest plan is going to get someone killed — Margery or Loras are likely, but Tommen is on the chopping block, too. Which is just chaotic because he has no heir (unless Mags is pregnant). If Margery gets killed, the Tyrells will riot.

– Jaime needs to get away from his sister. He’s been way more interesting without her — and she’s been better without him. Cersei is best with a foil (Tyrion, Tywin, Ned to a lesser extent). I like both actors, and their chemistry together, but I feel like the story does better with them on their own.

– I want the damn Hound back, killing cunts and eating chicken.

– Long game: I would not be surprised if Varys ends up supporting someone all the way to the throne, and then killing them as they bask in their victory, in order to have better control over raising their heir.

– Off the wall idea: Wun Wun and Robert Strong get a spin off where they squish the heads of assholes up against the wal.

– Davos will eventually corner Melisandre on the princess, and I will not believe it if one of them doesn’t end up killing the other.

– House Mormont will support Snow/Stark — they lost someone in the Red Wedding, Jon was close with Jeor, and the north remembers. They won’t be enough (as the show explained to us). I don’t see how Umber or Karstark turn but they cannot think Ramsay is a good idea.

– We are overdue for Bronn.

– If the Sam and Gilly story isn’t going to pay off in a big way (Sam killing Ramsay or something…), then I just. don’t. care.

– Welcome to Faceless Dome, Arya and the Waif enter, one faceless person leaves!

– If Tommen dies before the High Sparrow, I do not expect that the High Sparrow will have a good time.

– Off the wall idea: Bronn, the Hound, and Littlejon Umber get together and plot to kill the world’s cunts.

– Sansa’s pregnant. If Ramsay is not free to be Warden of the North, her kid certainly has a hell of a claim with both sides. And Littlejon Umber can call Ramsay a cunt six or seven times.

– Max von Sydow needed more screen time. He’s been underutilized in two epic series’ in a row now.

– Five Episodes left. I think we’re at the point now where someone big is going to die in every episode, or get really close: Tommen, Davos/Melisandre, A Stark (Rickon?), A Greyjoy (Theon or Euron, it won’t be Yara), A Sand Snake (to make them even angrier palette-swap villains), Varys or Littlefinger or Tyrion (just a guess — too many schemers), High Sparrow, a major Tyrell, Kevan Lannister, Lancel Lannister, Gilly, someone dressed like Jaqen.

– Twue Wove: If Margery survives, and Tommen doesn’t, she’s getting married off to someone important to unify. It won’t be Ramsay (as hilarious as his death would then be), but it could be Jon Targaryen. Howland Reed knows the truth. There aren’t a whole lot of eligible young men left, versus how many women: Yara, Margery, Dany, Sansa (Ramsay won’t live forever), various Sand Snakes who are apparently still in charge down there, etc. On the male side, there’s Loras, Jon, Rickon (if he lives), and that little weirdo from the Vale. Best match ever for him is Yara — he’d be the best little wife for her.

– Sansa could eventually get her wish of Loras, at this point.

– Twist: At some point Theon gets “healed” or it turns out the castration was all in his head (similar to the weird Kane storyline the WWE did over a decade ago), and that’s not what Yara and Dickhead Greyjoy received in the box. GRRM liked Theon way too much not to throw him a rope.

– Never happen but should: Jaime versus Jorah (now with one arm), battle for whose woman gets the Iron Throne.

– Finally, Jaime killed Aerys, Melisandre killed Renly, Lancel killed Robert, Brienne killed Stannis, Roose killed Robb, Urine killed Dickhead Greyjoy. Littlefinger and Gramma Tyrell (Olenna?) killed Joffrey. I have a feeling Westeros will have far fewer Kingslayers by the end of the season.