Whereupon a Southern Gentleman Loses His Mind

This has been eating at me for a while, and tonight, I’m getting it off my chest.

There’s a site that, in general terms, says, “Fuck the South.” One of the things it whines about is that more government money comes in, than goes out. Which I will now address:

– First, remove Social Security, or Florida, from the count. All the damn old people are in Florida, and it’s not a bad reflection on the South in general that they all moved to one spot. By liberal logic, they’re not mooching anyway.

– Second, remove all the military bases and NASA facilities. I can only think of ONE NASA facility in the North (the Northeast to be precise) — Goddard Space Flight Center. There are NASA facilities in Texas, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida — all of these are tax dollars coming out (and basically amount to a huge amount of our NASA capability). There are also NOAA facilities in a lot of these states (the Hurricane Hunters fly out of Pensacola). There are Air Force and Navy bases. Don’t count that.

– Third, acknowledge that many Southern states have a disproportionately high number of minorities, who statistically rely on the government more (because the government makes it that way).

Now, are the number still the same? I bet not.

Also, let’s count up charitable dollars coming from Red States. No? Didn’t. Fucking. Think. So.

We wanted to leave. You assholes came down and started a war to keep us.

If the red states (the South and the Mid-West, and Alaska) were to up and leave tomorrow we would be doing a lot better than the Northern states and the “Left” Coast:

– We grow most of the food. Short on money? We’ll tax everything sold to the North. Seriously — how many farms are in New York City? Sure, there’s some sweet produce grown in California, but we’re pretty sure you may want to trade some of that for some corn at some point. Corn is in everything now — hell even fancy gas-o-line! A lot of soda is bottled here. Some sweet beer is made down here. Kentucky Bourbon. Tennessee Whiskey. Oh, and everything that comes in on the Port of Miami or the Port of New Orleans? Just went up. (Something like 2/3rds of all coffee comes through the Port of New Orleans. There’s a reason we spend money on a city below sea level.) To quote the late, great Rob “Acidman” Smith — “We grow your food, assholes.” Don’t even get me started on all the seafood — other than Maine lobster… (Who eats water roaches anyway?)

– We have lots of oil, including most of the oil refineries that turn said oil into useful products like gasoline. More tariffs. While I’m on this, there is an astounding amount of industry in the South and Mid-West. Many car manufacturers have facilities here, most ships are built here, and some airplanes are. I can think of four car companies that build cars in Alabama and Mississippi alone. The big propellers that big ships use? Built less than an hour from me. You yanks will have to replicate that or pay a steep tariff. You think you’ll charge us more for cellphones? Those are all built in China. How much manufacturing actually takes place in blue states? Exactly, Assholes.

– Most of the military are from these two regions. They’re not going to abandon their homes and families to live with people who look down on them. In fact, they may persuade many of the people in the states left behind to come on over — it’s better here. You’ll need to either start that over, or pay us a fee to protect you from the suddenly emboldened Canadians. There are a ton of bases. Suddenly that expenditure doesn’t look so awful.

All you’ve got left is Hollywood, which is made up of a surprising number of Southerners or Mid-Westerners, and there’s a lot of filming going on in Louisiana now because it’s cheaper. So you can charge us extra to see the latest explode-fest; until we replicate that.

To be fair, we’ll divide up the existing debt. You judgmental fuckers keep all the debt voted on by presidents picked by your states (Obama, for example) and your own congress people. We’ll keep the ones we voted for. If it was mutual, we split it based on the electoral vote percent that president received. We’ll front you the half-penny if it comes down to an odd number of cents.

We’ll then be free of your bullshit and able to develop the oil reserves we have, build better and more modern refineries, build nuclear power plants without you ninnies worrying so much, and stop gorging ourselves on debt. We’ll be happy to sell you some of our wares — for a steep price, doubly so if we find out you’re one of the dicks behind the systematic attempt to associate our accents with stupidity over the last fifty years. You guys can go on producing shitty movies and elitist whiny newspapers. Because what the hell else is made in blue states?

Sound fair? No?

Then you can shut the fuck up with this “fuck the South” bullshit.