We here at Cigars and Legs don’t usually post relationship style things, but this story about a lying wife just… struck us as odd. That’s all.
One of the big rifts, if you could call it that, between my philosophy and a lot of the Manosphere is when it comes to someone’s past — It’s just not as big a sticking point. So this isn’t coming from an “oh noes they must be virginal” perspective. But… and we’ll even let the lie about past history slide here… it’s totally understandable why the man is upset. It’s not about her having those experiences.
It’s about her having them and then not wanting to have them with him. It’s about not being good enough to do those things with. It’s about being rejected. (And lied to, but we’re letting that slide.) There’s an old joke that a whore is a slut who sleeps with everyone but you. Well, that’s really only problematic when it’s your goddamn wife. If someone will do X with person A, but not person B, that means that person B hasn’t hit the attraction level A has for them — thus, the term Alpha Widow. Their capital was much higher, they were worth more, etc.
It doesn’t matter how someone tries to explain it away, that is how men are going to see it because we see it in black and white. There was a conversation the late Patrice O’Neal had that came to mind for this. Somehow the fact an audience member abstained from sex came up, and also that she was waiting for marriage. The following is paraphrased from memory:
Patrice: You’re a virgin?
Patrice: Oh fuck that, get the fuck out of here. You’ll fuck another guy but not me?
Exactly. You’d do it for him, therefore he was valuable enough to do it with, and the new guy is not.
This is something I learned to avoid before the Manosphere; I didn’t know what an Alpha Widow was, but once I learned to recognize the signs and knew the dangers inherit in such a person… Next. I’ve known many women like that (and I’m sure some men, but this is a discussion of a marriage), and learning to Next them was the best thing to happen to me.
I also find some of her (admittedly paraphrased) responses insightful:
(upon being asked about her past) “Why are we talking about this?”
This is a classic attempt to deflect the issue by taking away its value. “Why are we talking about this (implied: stupid subject)?”
(upon being asked a DIRECT question about her past) “are you taking drugs?”
Did someone just adjust the lights? I could swear they were brighter. The issue isn’t her, something must be wrong with him (yeah, seven years without head even though he was married to an expert from his account).
“I can change I promise don’t ruin our marriage over this we can work things out. We can go to marriage counseling seriously talk to me.”
“I can change” — and do the things I lied to you about for almost a decade…
“don’t ruin our marriage over this” — I don’t consider my lies to be the problem, here. (If not obvious yet: NEXT!)
“We can go to marriage counseling” — “We can go find a person with a degree, a person who will side with me automatically.”
And then here’s where he says NEXT:
“I am so fucking lucky. I got married to a whore, that fucks like a prude.”
Dude. At that point you drop the microphone and walk off stage.
Rollo goes into a much better detail about the big problem — negotiated desire. She offered to do all this stuff because he was mad, which is the opposite of how a man wants anything. It doesn’t even have to be sexual. If we are arguing about X, and the other person caves for expediency, that just pisses us off more. We want you to understand, to see it our way, and to want to do X because you care for us, because you love us. Not because we berated you about not doing X. It could be something as simple as acknowledging a task we accomplished.
Don’t make it into a fight, because we don’t want it that way.