Death Threats, Having Real Enemies, and being a Coward

I don’t have a lot of real enemies in life, but it’s easy to construct one in my head of a person who has (even unintentionally or unknowingly) wronged me. Someone who has slighted me. It’s easy, really easy, to imagine that this person is somehow responsible for an ill in my life and therefore they are my enemy. When I was a teenager it was always my then-girlfriend’s parents, because for whatever reason, parents didn’t like me. (One even said I had no future. HA.)

But those people aren’t really my enemies; worst case scenario, they’re an asshole I have to deal with. When I worked as a cook in college there was another cook who was a real asshole. Most nights I probably imagined him as some great villain (okay maybe if he’d been smarter). In reality, he was just a loser, a guy way too old to be working shifts at a chain restaurant for less than twice minimum wage at the time. But he annoyed me, so in my head he was this enemy of mine.

What put all that aside in my head was having a real enemy, someone who actually wanted to kill me, and tried. I’m not writing this to sound like a bad ass; I survived because I did only one thing right, and despite doing everything else wrong. I wasn’t practicing situational awareness, I wasn’t prepared, I wasn’t in great shape or skilled in martial arts. I survived because I was a coward, which is a kind of guilt that never goes away.

But that situation is why I roll my eyes at anyone complaining they’re getting internet death threats. Like internet romance, internet violence isn’t something to really worry about 99.999% of the time. Report the troll and move on — don’t give them power or attention, just get them in trouble for any laws or terms of service they violate. Be prepared in real life, but don’t act like some kook on the internet is actually going to do it.

In my situation, the guy (we’ll call him Yoyo, a nickname for him my dad coined) actually wanted to kill me, and he came to where I was with the full drunken intent to do so — and he was armed. I was saved by the fact he had only seen me once, and he was drunk, and it was dark, and my gut told me to just keep going when he called my name out. Had I turned around I have no doubt I wouldn’t be writing this right now.

I can’t write this post without explaining why he wanted to kill me, so here it is: I had stolen his woman, in his eyes. In reality she was out the door because he’s (obviously?) an unstable lunatic. But to him it was my fault she was leaving, and I was his enemy. He couldn’t let it go. (To be fair, I did swoop in pretty fast, and if I could do things differently I’d get in his face and tell him that I did steal her away — at a time when he was unarmed. I have no guilt or shame over what I’ve done.)

He came to find me, and he called my name, gun in hand. I kept going and got in my truck without even hesitating. Since then I’ve wondered what I could have done differently, and imagined all sorts of violent reactions where I get the better of him. Instead, I should have just called the cops when I knew he was driving around trying to find me, armed and drunk, and let the legal process take it’s turn with him. It would have saved me a lot of grief and I wouldn’t feel like such a punk. What I was doing may or may not have been an asshole move, but it wasn’t illegal.

For all I know, he still wants to kill me. But calmer heads prevailed and he’s apparently decided that either a) he won’t get away with his foolishness twice, or more likely b) he likes being a free man a lot more than he wants me dead. He’s kind of a little fellow, and would not do well at all in prison.

So no, I don’t take random assholes on the internet seriously. I’ve been told online by many a fool that they wanted to kill me and some of them were quite creative and graphic. It can be alarming, especially in the age of the dox, but there is nothing like that feeling in your stomach when you know someone is behind you intent on murdering you and the only thing saving your life is that they don’t know for sure you’re the person they’re after.

Because those seconds getting into my truck seemed to last forever. Despite being years ago it is still fresh in my mind and is one of the few things I want revenge for — because I was unprepared, unarmed, unexpecting, and I had to be a coward to get out of it.

“I should have…” is not a fun feeling at all. It sticks with you in an amazingly persistent way.

The point is that there is a huge difference between some temporary internet tough guy and someone who actually wants to and has the means to end you.

Well, and I’m a shameless asshole, but how else would I be a successful writer?

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Rule Breaker

I’ve had an interesting relationship with the “manosphere” (a term I’ve come to loathe) — initially, when I came across it, I was enthralled with the idea. Finally, people who are outraged about the same stuff I am, and aren’t necessarily nutty political hacks. It was refreshing to say the least. My introduction came through the post Welcome to the Manosphere by Aaron Clarey. It was linked by Posted in Bear | Leave a comment

A GamerGate Update — The Gaming Media DID Coordinate to Squash it.

I quit reading Ars Technica because of the stink surrounding their coverage of Zoe Quinn’s Depression Quest game, and the way they did it in the midst of the scandal and completely avoided any mention of it. Well, it turns out it was reviewed because of the scandal:

Kyle Orland was part of a group that coordinated to keep down any discussion of GamerGate.

I love being right all the time.

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Something missing.

I’m not sure what it is, but the spark when I’m trying to write lately? Totally not there. I just don’t have that motivation. I don’t think I’m as interested in writing the projects I’ve laid out as I was about the ones I’ve already finished.

Which may mean I need to swap out what I’m writing about and put these projects on the back burner, and hunt for something that gives me a serious desire to write.

Either way… something has to give if I’m going to make progress.

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Shit Happens

Over ten months ago I woke up and my knee was just killing me. After limping around through work for about half a day I came home to rest it and see if I felt any better. By midnight it was obviously not getting better but rather much worse. The next day in the emergency room they tested the fluid in my knee and determined I had a septic joint, and something had to be done. Near immediately they put me in a strong IV antibiotic and scheduled a knee washout for that very evening. They were pretty serious.
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Two Things Everyone is Getting Wrong about Ray Rice

I’ve spent more time than I should reading comments from random internet users about Ray Rice, and there are two things that most of them are getting wrong:

1. “How did the NJ DA let him get away!!”

Because the victim in this case wasn’t cooperating with the prosecution. Assuming NJs laws are like most places, then she can decline to press charges. Given that she ultimately married the man I’m assuming the only reason this went beyond a private knock-out game session was because he’s famous.

2. “Roger Goodell should go if he lied about seeing the video!”

No, Roger Goodell should go period. It doesn’t matter what evidence he had, when he had it, or whatever. He’s a bad commissioner regardless of when he knew about this, for a few reasons but:

– He made one decision, and was whipped over it. So when he got a chance to reverse himself, he did. Not because he thought the crime was horrible (What did he THINK Ray Rice did in that elevator?) but because he was embarrassed by the coverage. This is the same man who banished Sean Payton for a year because he covered up for his defensive coordinator — by lying to Goodell. He didn’t care about what actually happened. He cared about his own face, and the lawsuit about concussions by former players.

Here’s how I know he didn’t care so much about the bounty program: Sean Payton was gone for a year (and $5 MILLION dollars in salary) for lying to Goodell. Defensive Coordinator Greg Williams, who instituted the bounty program? The same length of suspension. So the man directly responsible for the supposed bounty program (Where’s the evidence?) served the same sentence as a guy who was misleading about it.

Oh, he’s the captain of the ship and should know better?

Well what the fuck is Roger Goodell?

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Watch your six.

Over at Danger and Play there is a great article and discussion about self defense and situational awareness. I’ve commented quite a bit there, but have some expanded thoughts.

People tend to fall into one of two categories: Pack animals or herd animals, and there is a difference. The two victims in that video are herd animals. They’re just kind of blindly wandering about and are caught complete off-guard. It’s like a pair of gazelles who have no idea that there are lions around. The attackers, while disorganized and showing a clear lack of foresight (fortunately for the victims) are a pack. They see a target and, without provocation, proceed to attack.
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The good ol’ country doctor, vs the crappy pharmacy

My ear has started to pinch and bother me. It’s not that bad, but it’s getting notably worse. I decided a long while ago that life it too short to feel sick when you don’t have to, so after work I pulled into one of the “Urgent Care” places — it’s not an emergency room, but it was after the regular doctor closed. Usual procedure: Pull in, fill out some crap they mostly already know, wait, go to the back, wait, see the doctor. Now, I was thinking — my ear hurts, it’s my ear.

He looks in both ears, and says they’re fine, “But let’s look at your throat.”
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Back home

After spending a few months trying to decide how to play it with this site, I’m moving back here with all that I say — everything I was saving for the other site. For a while I was considering having this site be the public face of my writing, and only my writing, and then over there all my bold, big-bad asshole comments would live.
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To help those in California…

I have made a Consent Form for you all: Continue reading

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