Dick Size Anxiety and the Cuckold Fetish

Because I get some weird search terms…

Anyone with an old enough e-mail address has seen it: the e-mail promising the enlarge your penis. My spam folder is filled with these at any given time despite never having so much as Googled the problem — and so are the spam filters of women and the celibate. If anyone beyond you and your best friend has your e-mail, you get these e-mails. They’re insidious. There used to be (and may still be) late night commercials about male sexual enhancement. Devices are sold that do… things I dare not imagine, as part of an attempt to get that last 1% out of your dick.

It’s as though men regard their dicks the way a Gentoo user regards his operating system.

Someone is clicking these links. Someone is buying this stuff. Just like the Nigeria mess they are doing it because it is profitable. Men everywhere appear to be absolutely petrified that their dick isn’t long enough, wide enough, hard enough, et cetera, ad nauseum. Shady websites have ads, some even disturbing animations of a dick growing like the Grinch’s heart, extolling the virtues of their manhood enlarging magic. Eat this pill, put your dick in this weird device, do this one tip! Just pay $39.99 to assuage your anxiety. All of us suffer, as a whole, because of this anxiety in the form of an increased market for this snake oil. It’s hard to tell just how many men have it because nobody knows how much money actually changes hands in some quixotic attempt to grow.

Our national shame also folds right in with a hugely popular fetish: that of the cuckold. If you are unfamiliar with this particular fetish, it is one of a woman cheating on her husband or boyfriend as the name implies. It is extremely popular in erotica — many how-to guides about writing profitable erotica will recommend it — and it has a high following among men and women. The men part of that is kind of a shock at first until you see how the cuckold fetish wraps itself nicely around the size anxiety. We’ve built, through mainstream porn and the constant reminder that size is king, a set of men who are not only convinced they don’t measure up but that their woman (real or imaginary) would be better pleased by something a bit larger.

It is a strange type of self hatred. The fetish has many a layer, too, and is as various as any other when it comes to the style of thing the customer wants to see. Once, moons ago, I used the word cuckold in talking about the term cuckservative and the number of searches that lead to my site for that are… astounding. Embarrassing, even. It’s not the top search or even top five but it is easily the most popular term based on a single post. That’s what spawned this post, as a sort of follow-on to my post about porn being poison. Well, cuckold porn is poisonous, too and probably more dangerous on the whole for a man’s self worth than most flavors.

The low testosterone epidemic surely contributes to this. I can’t imagine that a man with normal testosterone levels would be all right with that fantasy even for a moment. That’s the sort of thing that leads to violence, to marriages ending, to wars between tribes of men. There’s not much worse you can do to a man because it assaults his very manhood. Perhaps low-testosterone is only one of the many parts because the guilt we attempt to enshrine around masculinity, terms like toxic masculinity… that all plays into it. We’re setting men up to be self-loathing, insecure little wimps. Of course your woman would prefer a real man, cuck, who are you to expect loyalty?

Hell, there was a popularly discussed article about cuckoldry teaching feminism. He admits that monogamy is him controlling her sexuality (well, yes, it goes both ways), and that he finds it hot — he tells us the latter in the first paragraph. He’s become a cuckold fetishist and you can see throughout the article how he is self-loathing. Then he drops this bomb:

It does work both ways and, yes, I too enjoy sexual carte blanche. I just don’t use mine as much as my wife uses hers.

That screams that he is low testosterone. He just doesn’t have that interest. But he’ll get hot and bothered by his wife living out his fetish, and he’ll impotently beat off into the toilet after she falls asleep — quietly, so as to not wake her. She had a long night (ka-pow!). Some of that is extrapolation, clearly, because he won’t admit that. He even defends her choice as taking extreme self-confidence for him. In reality it comes across that she gave him a choice: she is going to go dick-riding, with or without him.

Now, our bold and self-confident author over at NY Mag doesn’t get into the specifics of size or size anxiety. That would tell a different tale and there is no way to explain away that aspect. The perceived fault is there, though. If you spend more than a half minute perusing cuckold fetish boards you’ll see how ingrained into the fetish the size issue is. If not size, it’s persistence or stamina. If not that, it’s general physique, or the approach — the bull, to use their parlance, gives it to her in a way the cuck cannot or will not. It is a manifestation of penis envy — a term most commonly slung toward women — in men. It is a dangerous path to start down for a variety of self-esteem reasons, but at the end of the day, it is potential dynamite for a relationship.

Another less severe form of the fetish is candaulism. This is the fetish of showing ones’ partner off, in a sexually explicit way. This isn’t done to humiliate or hurt the partner — it’s not revenge porn, it’s not done out of malice toward the woman, but rather an a most disturbed way of bragging about what one has. It is very possible, even likely, that this isn’t coming from the same masochism that the cuckold fetish does. The other man being better in this scenario is not a part of the fetish. It’s about the attractiveness of the woman, not the viewer. However, it does seem that there is a significant overlap between the two camps. The term candaulism isn’t well known at all, but there are many examples of it: Kevin Smith reportedly has a nude painting of his wife in his home, for example.

There is no perceived fault in the man, however. He’s not doing it out of a sense of masochism, or because he feels he is insufficient. But with fetishized cuckoldry and penis size anxiety, combined with masculinity-guilt and low testosterone, there is a perfect storm of men that feel they do not measure up and it’s severe enough that they enjoy the idea or even visual of their wife getting plowed by a new — better, perfect even — man. A man that has something he doesn’t, he can’t. Because the pills don’t work.

I don’t know that there is an answer to this, nor do I know how truly prevalent it is. But my first item of advice is pretty simple: Do NOT bring a third party into your relationship. While some people have made that work the odds are stacked against it. If you really are subpar you risk losing her to the better man. If you aren’t, well, suddenly you aren’t getting what you made into such a fetish and are going to want to move up a notch. You will destroy your own sense of self worth if you haven’t already.

The second item: Make sure you have adequate testosterone levels and stop looking at internet porn. Especially stop looking at anything where the focus is cuckoldry or big dicks because that’s feeding your insecurity and feeding your fetish at the same time. This will erode your testosterone and your self-worth, and that feeds into a vicious cycle.

To paraphrase the Serenity prayer, accept what you can’t change. Improve where you can, and have the damn sense to know the difference.

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If you’re secure in your dick size, you’ll love The Boots Are Red!