For this month’s Tobacco Tuesday, I need to address the best accompaniment for a cigar. No, I don’t mean Scotch (shock!): I mean the legs, and the woman attached to them (or man, if that’s your thing). They go great together for a variety of reasons. First off, like cigars, legs come in various widths and lengths. I’m more of a long leg kind of man, and my cigars tend to match. The more there is, the more there is to enjoy. (My wife’s legs are on the cover of The Boots Are Red, if anyone is curious as to what I’m sitting next to when I enjoy my vices.)
But it’s not just about the physical appearance and appeal of the legs. It’s also about who is attached to them. Nobody likes a goody-goody snob, and I doubt she’ll sit around with you as you smoke a stinky cigar and drink vile Scotch (channelling the snob, there!). Obviously, you want someone who is interesting. A large cigar, taken at an enjoyable pace, can last for hours. Her conversation has to keep up.
Not that the Legs should be carrying the whole conversation, but it takes two to tango. You can be the World’s Most Interesting Man, but if there isn’t someone there to talk to, you’re just dictating to empty space. That’s no fun.
My preferred time to take a drink and smoke also happens to coincide with the sun setting and stars coming out. This means there’ll probably be a bit of a romantic slant on your relationship with the Legs you choose. I recommend this; I have buddies I smoke with, and that’s fine sometimes, but sometimes I want to sit there and drink and smoke with a lady who I have a more, ah, intimite association with.
Now, on to the care and feeding part.
Legs are like horses or other fine animals, they have to be cared for. It’s not just up to the person they’re attached to. Legs require a certain amount of attention from the significant other in the equation: rubbing, caressing, exploring. I’m not going to offer tips on that; each pair is different. But in general, I recommend a nightly inspection and detailing. Help her clean them, if that is an option. If not — watch her clean them. (And may I recommend that you also watch her as she washes her hair. Va-voom!)
In addition to this care, you will need to provide the Legs with a certain amount of stimulating exercise. Sure, the owner may have a routine already in place and she may do this regularly. But this exercise can only be accomplished with two people, and is especially good for the Legs if done correctly — they’ll be positively jumpy over it.
As for the feeding of the legs, I’d recommend asking the owner for their advice on that. But the occasional swinging by a restaurant the Legs prefer is, in fact, greatly recommended.
So, to summarize: A generally pleasing appearance, fitting the tastes of the cigar smoker (as with most things, fit it to your taste!). Regular inspection and caressing. Good conversation. Regular cleaning. Fitness exercise. And a nice meal. That’s pretty much all it takes.